Posted by on February 17, 2005

It’s a very uncomfortable position to be in….selfish, loathsome, disgraceful, and sickening are just some basic terms that describe how I feel. Not because I have no, and never will have, children of my own….but because of the gut reaction I have when I hear of terrible tragedies that beset folks who can have kids.

I just learned of a close friend who lost their unborn child. He was 4 months along…I suppose one might say B-5 months and counting. Mom and Dad are good people and I truely mourn for their loss. They are and will be in my prayers for a long long time.

The thing that upsets me is my unfiltered, immediate, and emotional response….it’s all the things I said above and more. I have no right to feel that way….just accept what God has dealt me as His Will. Right.

My wife had a similiar reaction the other day when we received word that a good…albeit distant…friend of ours discovering they were expecting number 2. The mother-to-be always said growing up that she didn’t want kids and it seems that now she gets pregnant whenever her and her husband are in the same room. The emotions my wife and I felt then were guilt, adolescent anger, and envy….much the same reaction I had to the terrible news of today.

As I said…I have absolutely no right to be angry with the proud soon-to-be-parents or the grief stricken mom and dad who just lost their son. I have no reason to feel guilty. And Envy is a terrible place to be regardless of the circumstances.

I don’t know…my heart weeps for Paige and Mark. I pray that they know their son is enjoying time with Christ and will be there for them when their time comes.

Father, without you I’m nothing…but sometimes I’m so pissed at you I try to hide from you. Why would you allow me to believe, hope, wait expectantly to be a father and then tell me no? *sigh*….

Your Will be done.

Last modified on February 17, 2005

Categories: Faith

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